The heaviness of grief

Some days is okay I wake up and I’m good.. on the bad days the heaviness of grief is horrible.. last night all sorts of random thoughts surrounding death pop in ny head..

 like I’m watching a show on tv and all of a sudden a thought pops into your head and maybe even an image well that thought and that image was of a skeleton laying in a coffin underground..

I wasn’t watching anything that could of even been tied to my sons death I was watching fireworks being let off on YouTube.. my son Isiah had no connection with fireworks apart from us watching them quite often when they’d be let off around town.. 

this morning I’m waking up with a very heavy feeling in my chest and I can barely breathe.. 

I’m sitting here just wanting to cry and I haven’t even been awake for an hour.. some days upon waking up I have a few minutes before my brain catches up with reality.. luckily this isn’t an every day occurrence anymore it’s more like a random occurrence.. 

I’m not sure if I’ve just noticed this or whether kts been happening before Isiah’s death but my heart legit a feels different like there are times it’s skips beats, some days breathing is also weird like some days I feel like I’ve forgot to breathe.. so much I’m noticing now within my own body and mind.. 

I’m no stranger to grief I’ve lost many family members through my life. My grandmother who raised me, my grandfather, my father, many uncles and aunties I’ve even lost many friends but their grief of your child is grief like no other.. I’ve never experienced this type of pain..  

I used to avoid cemeteries and anything surrounding death because I was scared of it.. even seeing a dead mouse would freak me out and now shit has changed I’ve had to face it full on by identifying my sons dead body..