The new me

Accepting the new life is hard.. you have to accept that your child is gone so you grieve for that reason, then you also grieve the future memories and the loss of your child’s future.. 

You feel like you and your child were robbed.. no matter how long you had with your child it still wasn’t enough time.. I’m forever grateful for my son for choosing me to be his biological mother and I’d never change that fact.. 

I have to accept so much crap now.. i have to accept the new me will cry a lot and be very sensitive.. 

the new me is very complicated she’s tough but she’s needs a a shoulder to cry on from time to time, she’s happy but deep down she’s screaming and dying inside.. 

Behind the smiles there’s still some sadness.. every day waking up you have to restart the process over again.. a few minutes of joy and then your brain wakes up and reminds you of crap you could honestly do without.. 

The new has got very dark humour.. many of my family and friends just shake their heads at me more than ever with the way I think or the jokes I tell.. 

The new me has obsession.. whatever my brain clings to becomes my obsession luckily these obsessions don’t last long unless I’m really interested..  I’ve been obsessed with death so I watched all death related content on YouTube..  I even became obsessed with work.. 

these obsessions were just like small doses of ocd anything to distract the mind, distract me from the reality of my now life.. 

The new me has discovered self esteem.. it took me a while to even start making myself a priority in self care.. the new me also has become somewhat selfish and narcissistic..  selfish because I want what’s best for me.. narcissistic because I deserve happiness after all the crap I’ve been through.. 

The new me has limited fear.. I used to fear so much but now I have a child on the other side I’m no longer scared or fearful.. however there are days when my anxiety for scarey stuff does actual kick in but it’s not as bad as it used to be..