my grief 

Juggling grief in the beginning can be quite difficult.. this kind of grief rips a person to the very core.. losing a child is not supposed to happen it’s how we were taught.. 

I became obsessed with death and the after life so I watched many documentaries to help me get to understand.. I watched a lot of TikTok’s  of grief related content including spirit readings 

I played with the spirit talker and ghosttube apps.. I tried to remove any triggers that could occur, I failed at this because I didn’t realise this grief can come and go in waves.. sometimes those waves aren’t as big and sometimes they feel huge where you just want to sit and cry.. 

I collected many of Isiah’s photos and videos from family and friends so I was able to keep going over our memories, over Isiah’s memories.. hearing family and friends share Isiah’s memories was the best gift.. some memories made me tear up 

Attending family gatherings just wasn’t happening, seeing all my family in one place reminded I was missing a piece of my heart, missing a child.. spending time with my other children was mixed emotions I was blessed to still have them but seeing them both together reminded me 1 was missing.. 

Leaving my house was scarey outside meant people.. for the first week I hid from the world and refused to leave for many reasons.. one of them being that I’m an Australian Aboriginal woman and in my culture when a family member passes away other Aboriginal people will shake your hand or hug you and you’re not allowed to refuse it.. 

I didn’t think I’d be strong enough to have many people shake my hand or hug me.. I would of crumbled to my knees and people would seen the true heartache I was hiding.. 

Another reason I didn’t leave my house was because I’d have to drive past the place Isiah took his last breath.. that reminder that my son was there and that was his last ever living location..