The first year of grief

In the first year of my grief I didnt think I’d survive it..

My chest and heart felt very heavy.. my stomach lived in a constant state of knots.. it was all a very weird feeling I haven’t been one to want to feel any emotions at all 

To describe my stomach it was like being on a rollercoaster going up and down.. ya know the feeling that makes ya stomach sink and like your going to throw up.. 

My head was in a fog some days It was too heavy to lift off the pillow.. bed felt comfy and safe.. 

I went to grief counselling and cried for most of my session talking about Isiah and how he died.. it didn’t make sense to me.. I needed to make sense of all this.. i needed to find a way to deal with this.. how can i live my life without my son.. 

I started to get obsessed with death and the afterlife so I watched many documentaries on YouTube about it.. I watched movies I’d find from a few support groups for child loss.. 

One of my biggest things to do to help me deal with my grief was to get drunk.. drunk me understood a lot more and she allowed to me grieve and cry without shame.. I spent many nights drunk crying.. sober me didn’t think she was grieving enough.. 

Id watched many movies growing up and nothing I was doing was the same as the movies.. I asked myself many times am I grieving right?? Why doesn’t it look like me falling to knees and screaming like ya see in movies?? Am I numb?? So many dumb questions popped in my head 

Each day passed and it was another day without my son.. I wanted this over but I didn’t want to die.. but there were times I did think that death would be an option but then Isiah wouldn’t be happy with me and my family didn’t need anymore heartache.. 

Grief is a hard thing to manage.. some days you’re okay and some days something reminds you that you’re a bereaved parent.. a mother to an angel.. 

We always grow up to believe we grow old and die.. so when something unexpected happens to your children how can you deal with it.. it’s hard to wrap your brain around what’s going on..