Isiah’s send off

I woke up not wanting to do that day.. I even asked my husband how I can go about paying my respects to Isiah and not doing the send off.. 

This is was the end.. a final goodbye to my son.. this was all too real and too heavy to deal with.. how could this be real.. how could this be happening

I’ve only ever seen this kind of shit in the movies.. 

Eventually I got up and showered, I cried in the shower and just sat on the floor letting the water fall on me.. the shower didn’t help me at all but atleast I wasn’t having an anxiety attack.. 

I slowly got dressed and as time passed by and it got closer to to go the church the more my heart got heavier.. as we got closer to the church I remembered I had some Valium in my pocket.. so I took 2 to help with my nerves.. 

We get to the church I hand them the USB key with Isiah’s slideshow and music we wanted played.. the music to his slideshow was I’lol be missing you by puff daddy and faith evans.. 

I went straight up to the casket and sat behind it on a step.. the church started filling up.. my fave cousin had came in so i went to talk with her.. I had my phone on still so I played pop goes the weasel to freak her out.. she stars swearing at me telling me to go away in a not so polite way.. 

The service starts I tune out here and there while the reverend is talking because I’m not a religious person.. At times I do tune back in and don’t really care about the bible scriptures she’s reading so I nudge my daughter and point to my DILLGAF tattoo.. we both get the giggles.. 

As we leave the church and walk outside all Isiah’s friends that were outside the church formed a guard of honour from the doors leading to the hurst.. it was so beautiful to see.. 

I quickly walk around and thank some family for coming because they travelled from out of town.. the hurst is reading to leave the church so we all get in our cars and follow the hurst.. 

The Reverend is walking ahead of the hurst.. I start to play Isiah’s son levels as we follow the hurst to the cemetery.. 

I asked that all people play highway to hell as we approach the tragedy site.. as we drove passed Isiah’s tragedy site the hurst slowed down even more.. and I got this feeling that Isiah was sitting up in casket and watching us.. 

We finally reach the cemetery and do everything that needs to be done there.. instead of throwing flowers on the casket many of sprinkles marjuana, poured a beer or 2.. this was a non traditional funeral.. 

I stood silently at the grave and watched them lower my sons casket.. I was one of the last people to leave.. the funeral directors had to get me to leave because the council were ready to fill in the hole.. 

I cried walking back to the car.. we went to a wake at the football club.. there was a glass bong passed around for people to sign.. people ate, smoked and shared memories of isiah.. 

Many people took photos that day.. I even threatened to divorce my family if they didn’t leave me alone with the photos.. I just wanted to sit and be alone with my thoughts.. 

 That day was so draining I barely remember who seen that day but I do remember having many people hug me..