When reality hit me

2 nights before the funeral.. it hit me like a tonne of bricks.. the reality.. the heartache.. i was sitting in bed talking with my husband and ex sister in law then I disassociate and just listen to them talking.. I hear them talking about isiah, the funeral and his death.. it was then I started to hit me holy shit.. this is real.. 

Eventually i decided to try and get some sleep before my emotions took over.. I was scared I’d crumble as I’d crumbled over less turmoils in my life..

I thought by trying to get some sleep I’d be okay but nope things only got worse.. 

 my husband had the tv going which is normal for us.. 

I remember what he was watching, he was watching the good doctor.. something was said about death and a funeral and well that’s all it took for the panic and anxiety to set in.. 

I laid there trying to ride it out, nope so such luck.. it got heavier and heavier, the panic attack got worse.. I felt like what I’d imagine an heart attack would feel like.. 

sitting with the aircon on, didn’t help.. pacing the hallways didn’t help.. 

eventually I got my husband to take me to the hospital.. 

We got to admin I was able to talk in between breaths.. by the time we got to where we had to sit I was clutching my chest with tears rolling down my face.. the nurse came out and asked why we there at the hospital.. my husband told her “I think my wife just realised she’s burying her son in 2 days” .. hearing those words really got me.. 

The nurse took us into a room where I just sat and cried.. the doctor came in to do the routine check up.. the heart monitor, the pulse blah blah.. my heart rate was dangerously high.. the doctor just spoke with me and asked what happened to my son.. so I told her the story I’d told many times to family and friends.. Isiah was walking  home and was struck by a vehicle and left to die.. 

The doctor gave me a Valium and cold water.. she just listened to anything I had to say.. I was rambling about Isiah’s death, his memory.. eventually I started to calm down.. the doctor waited with us until I was okay to go home.. she then gave me a few days worth the Valium to help me get through the funeral and until I get to see my doctor..

This was the worst panic attack I’ve ever had and still is to this day I’ve never felt that feeling again.. thank goodness.. it made so uncomfortable I’d never been this heartbroken before.. 

I’ve grieved before but nothing compared to this kind of way.. this by far is the worst experience I’ve ever endured..