The viewing of Isiah’s body

2 days before the viewing I had a dream that isiah had come home.. he kicked open the door and asked “why we were being sooky” I hugged him and never let go.. while hugging him he said be careful of my head.. that morning I woke I had pick out Isiah’s forever clothes and was even told to get a hat..

I had to chose Isiah’s forever clothes so I chose his favourite jumper which was  juice WRLD and the tshirt I chose was the one is been holding onto since isiah had passed.. it was a personalised shirt with it had team420 written on the front with the number 420 and his name written on the back 69 because he loved that number (well who doesn’t get a giggle from that), I picked a pair of trackies and gave him shoes socks and undies..  I dropped these off the day before and also a hat because they needed a hat or beanie to cover up some of his stitching from the autopsy.. 

The night before the viewing.. and also said the words “she’s lost her marbles” so when I woke up I looked through my bag of marbles to find some significance but there wasn’t anything.. We held the viewing of Isiah a week before his funeral.. it was by invite only because I wanted only immediate family and over 18 yr olds to be present because I didn’t know how the morticians would make isiah look and I didn’t want children traumatised.. 

The day of the viewing we had it set that Isiah’s dad would go half hour before everyone else to give them some time together.. and then at 11am everyone could go in and see isiah.. 

I went in and looked at my son laying in a casket, he looked peaceful.. I touched his cheek but that freaked me out because he was cold so I just stood there talking to him.. I placed the letter I had written in under the lining of the casket.. 

I looked at his chest a lot hoping to see breath, I was still struggling to grasp the concept that he had gone and I was just staring at a body..  I went and sat on the chair to make room for others to come in and see isiah.. seeing soo much sadness was heartbreaking not one person walked out with a dry eye..  

When my other children came in the room I got up and stood with them beside the casket.. we played Isiah’s song the one he helped create.. I did this to help my children and myself realise that this was it.. this was the end.. this was real.. 

We took our last ever family photos.. 

While everyone was outside I went back in with the funeral director.. she was talking to us and let it slip that Isiah had a s broken pelvis which was an injury I never knew about because winner asked for details after his autopsy.. I watched her place the lid on the casket.. it was the worst thing I’d ever witnessed.. it broke my heart into smaller pieces (i didn’t think a heart could break that much but it does) 

After all that we went to the pub as a family and had a few drinks and shared our memories of isiah.. after the pub a few family members came back to my place where we continued to drink and share memories.. by the end of the night I’d broke down crying