Looking back at my early stages of grief (taken from my journal)

This will be all over the place because my feelings and thoughts were all over the place back then (from my journal).. I’m writing this in May 2024 approaching the 3 year angelversary.. 

My house felt eerily quiet, it was once filled with love, laughter and noise..

I’d get  Waves of crying and sadness wash over me 

My head and legs feeling heavy 

An occasional ache around my heart when I thought of Isiah 

my stomach feels like it’s constantly stuck on a rollercoaster.. 

thinking of eating something doesn’t come to mind I remember people forcing me to eat because I’d gone 2 days without food.. 

sleep was scarey, night time was scarey while the world slept the thoughts and feelings began.. some nights I couldn’t lay on my back cos a thought like “this is how isiah is laying in his coffin” or when it was dark I’d think “what if isiah woke up all he’d see is darkness” these thoughts would send me spiralling and give me anxiety so until I was able to control these thoughts I’d sleep when the sun came up or whenever my body got exhausted 

Some nights I’d cry myself to sleep either in my husbands  arms  or when everyone was sleeping.. sometimes I’d just lay sobbing quietly so I didn’t get heard I wanted people to think I’m strong and I’m okay I didn’t want them to worry about me.. 

connecting with other people including my Husband was far from my mind too but I did want family around me.. 

I’ve grieved for many family members but never to this extent, being this vulnerable was scarey and weird.. I felt like I was a sook every time I shed a tear and then I’d remind myself I’m allowed to cry, my tears show my love for isiah 

walking into his empty room was too real it was scarey walking In there for the first time after his departure.. 

On occasion it felt like isiah was still in Sydney with his aunty..

so many times I clutched my chest full sobbing or howling.. the heartache was unbearable my head was a cloudy mess some days I couldn’t think straight.. 

I have many questions  why did he die? why didn’t he msg for a ride home?  why didn’t he get a ride from someone else? is there a way I can bring him back? why did this happen? did he know how much I/we loved him? could this have been prevented? how could he just be left like an animal?, did he know his time was coming to an end? if they stopped could he been saved? how will I cope when this finally hits me properly?

Some days I just stayed in bed and only moved if visitors showed up.. 

I’d carry Isiah’s shirt around with me cos it was a connection to him 

I shut down a lot and stopped talking to people.. I was scared of breaking and crying in front of people or thought people didn’t truly want to hear my thoughts or feelings it would make them feel uncomfortable..

I became a complicated person.. I was weak but yet I was strong.. I was tough yet I was sensitive.. I was scared of many things like a lil child.. 

I wanted to be with isiah but yet I wasn’t suicidal.. I stopped caring for myself cos what was the point.. 

I watched babadook and other YouTube movies or series surrounding death, grief or loss. My YouTube playlist of grief series or movies..

I even downloaded apps such as spirit talker and ghosttube.. I did everything I could think of to help me try to understand death and what happens in the afterlife